Remind me again why I'm doing this?

I'm so on the fence about whether or not to try for the full Seattle marathon in November. How I feel about it is apparently in direct relation to how my last long run went, and how tired I'm feeling in general.

I ran (or perhaps I should say "ran") 12 miles today. I didn't get off to a great start. I haven't been feeling well this week -- ever since last Saturday's long run, I've felt like I'm fighting something off, maybe a cold. My chest is tight, I'm sneezing more than usual, and I go to bed every night feeling like something's brewing and I'll wake up sick in the morning. Then I wake up feeling somewhat better than I did the night before and the whole thing starts again.

I felt "off" this morning but didn't want to push my long run into tomorrow. It was a gorgeous day and I really didn't have an excuse not to go out. So I made myself go.

The first couple miles weren't great, but then I settled into a nice groove and started composing Facebook status updates in my head. Here's the cockiest one I came up with: "A beautiful day for 12 not-impossible miles. Seattle Marathon here I come?"

Then came mile 8, and the beginning of my downfall. I started to feel really tired. My heart rate was higher than it should have been (I like to keep it at 156 or below during a long run and it was heading into the mid-160s). My feet hurt. I pretty much lost my drive.

So I started letting myself take walk breaks. I just got a new book about marathoning for first-timers:

http://www.amazon.com/Run-Your-First-Marathon-Everything/dp/1602391203/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252639791&sr=8-4

The book is called "Run Your First Marathon: Everything You Need to Know to Reach the Finish Line" by Grete Waitz. She's a total star runner and won a bunch of high-profile marathons. She, along with several other authors of books on marathons, advocates taking periodic walk breaks. I haven't read deeply enough into the book yet to see how often she recommends them. What I've seen so far is generally a one-minute walk break every mile or every 10 minutes. I'm guessing Grete suggests the same thing.

Within my limited distance-running experience (I was training for my first half marathon two years ago this fall), I have been very reluctant to slow down and walk. It feels like cheating to me. But on my last two difficult runs -- today's and a brutal one last month -- I let myself take walk breaks. It didn't help a lot on last month's run; by the time I took my first break, I was already exhausted. But it did help today, perhaps because I could sense what was coming and took a break before I'd passed the point of no return.

I really do think the breaks are what let me finish the entire 12 miles today. I have to confess though, it doesn't really feel like I finished them. It still feels like cheating, and if I'm going to go for a full marathon, I'm going to have to make peace with that.

Because the more I work on increasing my distance, the more I feel that there's a very slim chance I'll be able to run the entire marathon -- even taking into consideration the stops I'll have to make for water, to use the bathroom and to eat gu or something like it; I know that's a given on a run of that distance. I also know I should be stopping for water and gu with the distances I'm running right now. Everything I've read says that you should carry (or stop for) water and fuel on runs that last more than an hour. I experimented with carrying those supplies when I was training for a summer half marathon last year and I hated it. I stopped and haven't gone back.

But now that I'm putting myself in uncharted territory, looking at running distances I've never attempted before, I'm going to have to make a plan. I will have to stop for water and fuel.

Or I could just stop trying for such a big distance. I've run three half marathons and will go for my fourth next month; why do I feel the need to do a full? I don't like having to stop, I don't like dealing with water and fuel in the middle of a run, I feel like a failure if I need to take walk breaks to finish my distance ... and that doesn't even take into consideration how I feel after a long run: I am wiped out. My stomach bugs me. I am sensitive and emotional and not fun to be around. The whole day ends up being about the run.

And if this is what I feel like at 12 miles, how will I feel at 15? 18? 20? I don't know. And I wish I understood why I feel compelled to try for a marathon. Right now, I am without a clue.